The Struggles of the Contemplative

Est autem in contemplativa vita magna mentis contentio, cum sese ad coelestia erigit, cum in rebus spiritalibus animum tendit, cum transgredi nititur omne quod corporaliter videtur, cum sese angustat ut dilatetur. Et aliquando quidem vincit, et reluctantes tenebras suae caecitatis exsuperat, ut de incircumscripto lumine quiddam furtim et tenuiter attingat; sed tamen ad semetipsam protinus reverberata revertitur, atque ab ea luce, ad quam respirando transiit, ad suae caecitatis tenebras suspirando rediit. Quod bene sacra historia designat, quae beatum Jacob cum angelo luctatum narrat. Cum enim ad parentes proprios rediret, in via angelum invenit, cum quo in luctamine magnum certamen habuit. Is enim qui certat in luctamine, aliquando superiorem se, aliquando vero eum cum quo contenderit inferiorem invenit. Designat ergo angelus Dominum, et Jacob qui cum angelo contendit uniuscujusque perfecti viri et in contemplatione positi animam exprimit. Quae videlicet anima cum contemplari Deum nititur, velut in quodam certamine posita, modo quasi exsuperat, quia intelligendo et sentiendo de incircumscripto lumine aliquid degustat; modo vero succumbit, quia et degustando iterum deficit. Quasi ergo vincitur angelus, quando intellectu intimo apprehenditur Deus. Sed notandum quod idem victus angelus nervum femoris Jacob tetigit, eumque marcescere statim fecit, atque ab eo tempore Jacob uno claudicavit pede, quia scilicet omnipotens Deus cum jam per desiderium et intellectum cognoscitur, omnem in nobis voluptatem carnis arefacit. Et qui prius quasi duobus pedibus innitentes, et Deum videbamur quaerere, et saeculum tenere, post agnitionem suavitatis Dei unus in nobis pes sanus remanet, atque alius claudicat, quia necesse est ut, debilitato amore saeculi, solus convalescat in nobis amor Dei. Si ergo tenemus angelum, uno claudicamus pede, quia dum crescit in nobis fortitudo amoris intimi, infirmatur procul dubio fortitudo carnis. Omnis quippe qui uno pede claudicat soli illi pedi innititur quem sanum habet, quia cui desiderium terrenum jam arefactum fuerit, in solo pede amoris Dei tota virtute se sustinet. Et in ipso stat, quia pedem amoris saeculi quem ponere in terra consueverat, jam a terra suspensum portat. Et nos ergo si ad parentes proprios, id est ad spiritales patres redimus, teneamus in via angelum, ut suavitate intima apprehendamus Deum. Contemplativae etenim vitae amabilis valde dulcedo est, quae super semetipsam animam rapit, coelestia aperit, terrena autem debere esse contemptui ostendit, et spiritalia mentis oculis patefecit, corporalia abscondit. Unde bene Ecclesia in Canticis canticorum dicit: Ego dormio, et cor meum vigilat. Vigilanti etenim corde dormit, quia per hoc quod interius contemplando proficit, ab inquieto foris opere quiescit. Sanctus Gregorius Magnus, In Ezechielem Prophetam, Liber Secundus, Homilia II

Even in the contemplative life there is a great struggle of the mind, when it reaches to heaven, when the soul tends to spiritual things, when it exerts itself to pass beyond things corporeal, when it groans as it stretches forth. And certainly sometimes it triumphs, and the clinging darkness of its own blindness it overcomes, secretly and tenuously touching the surrounding light, yet to itself swiftly rebounding it returns, and from the light, to which it gasped to come, it returns sighing to the darkness of its own blindness. And this the sacred history indicates well when it tells of blessed Jacob's struggle with the angel. When he was returning to his own parents, in the way he came upon an angel with whom he had a great struggle of wrestling 1. For to  this man with whom he struggled in wrestling sometimes he was superior, and sometimes he found himself inferior to the one with whom he contended. The angel therefore indicates the Lord, and in Jacob, who with the angel contended, is expressed anyone of the perfect whose soul is engaged in contemplation. Certainly the soul when it struggles to contemplate God, is as if placed in a contest, and sometimes it overcomes because in its understanding and sense it has some  taste of the surrounding light, and sometimes it succumbs because again it loses the taste. The angel, then, is conquered when with in depths of the intellect God is grasped. But it must be noted that the same conquered angel touched the thigh sinew of Jacob and instantly he made it wither, 2 and from that time Jacob walked with a limp, because obviously the omnipotent God as soon as he is known by desire and intellect dries up in us carnal pleasures  And he who before with two feet stood, we seemed to be when seeking God and holding to the world, but after the knowledge of the sweetness of God, one our feet remains healthy and the other is lame, because it is necessary that with love of the world withering that in us only the love of God remains healthy. If then we hold the angel, in one foot was are lame, because while there grows in us the strength of deep love, without doubt it weakens love of the flesh. Thus everyone who has one lame foot has only one healthy foot to use because in him the desire of the world has dried up and only in one foot does he sustain in love of God all his strength. And on it he stands, because the foot of the love of the world which he was accustomed to place on the earth now he carries suspended apart from the earth. And we, therefore, if we go to our own parents, that is, if we return to our spiritual parents, we shall grapple with the angel in the way, that we might grasp the deep sweetness of God. The sweetness of the contemplative life is indeed lovable, which seizes the soul beyond itself, and the heavens open, and it shows there should be contempt for worldly things, and it reveals spiritual things to the eye of the heart, and corporeal things it obscures. Whence the Church in the Song of Songs says well, 'I sleep and my heart watches.' 3 With vigilant heart she sleeps, because through this she profits by interior contemplation, giving rest to all troubling exterior works. Saint Gregory the Great, On the Prophet Ezekiel, Book 2, Homily 2 1 Gen 32.24 2 Gen 32.25 3 Song 5.2